One day I started having these tiny little annoying thoughts that God wanted me to talk and tell my story. I pretty much tried to ignore it. It kept creeping up and I tried in vain to keep it cornered in a quiet little space in my mind.  Yeah, I know, those of you that know me I’m sure are sitting there thinking “a quiet corner in her mind---whatever.”  That just might have been part of the problem, cause it didn't stay where I kept trying to put it.  That annoying little gnat of a thought kept showing up around every corner; every twist and crevice of my mind.  I couldn't quiet it no matter what I did.  But then I thought “how arrogant of me to think that!”  I can’t even get my own life in order and yet I think, more accurately He thinks, I can talk to others about how I see it--give them advice.  That is crazy!  As crazy as when my close friend told me years ago that she had this vision of me speaking somewhere and she was singing.  Not me!  I just live from one screw up to the next.  And then I get this idea God wants me to speak to people.  What makes Him think I have even one good piece of advice for someone else?  It’s crazy I tell myself again--insanely crazy.  But then it hits me; he wants to use me as an example of what not to do and well; then I would have lots to tell.  It would be like “how many days do you want me to talk?”  From the time I was small, even before I had really heard anything about God; I felt He had a plan for me.  I figured He had to since I was the only one out of six kids that was adopted into a real family.  I just felt there was more to it then just luck.  The problem was I wasn't sure why and didn't know what I was suppose to do.  For years I worried I never would figure it out and that God would be angry with me for it and send me to hell for eternity.  Even after accepting Christ I struggled with the idea of missing my purpose and truthfully still do at times.  The difference though is that now I have a relationship with Christ that takes away the fear of Hell.  That relationship, not fear, motivates me to seek God’s will, strive to live a life of integrity and gives me the desire to serve Him.  All those things in the past that I tried to hide because of embarrassment, shame and fear of rejection actually are tools God uses to equip me to love others that, like me, have been cast aside by society.  I always said that God would have to dump a load of bricks on me to get my attention.  I didn't realize the wisdom in that statement nor did I think that God really would do that to me; more than once.  I discovered the hard way(imagine that) that it’s impossible to move those bricks from underneath them.  The only way is to let them be removed from the top.  I just couldn't do it myself.  Until I was willing to let God have control I stayed buried under the shame and fear.  I finally realized I couldn't do it alone.  All those years of thinking I could do everything on my own; all those messes I couldn't undo now lay holding me down; but God forgave and helped me move those bricks.  He showed me through His word that even people we consider disciples and prophets, the Marys, Noahs, Elijahs and Davids; guess what; they sinned.  They were prostitutes, murders, thieves and yet they were people Jesus loved and even considered dear close friends.  One was even referred to as a man after God’s own heart.  That man’s list of failures was staggering, yet he is most often looked at by people as a godly righteous man.  And that is when I realized that’s me too.  I am just like them; filthy and covered in sin.  We messed up over and over again.  But I could be like them---forgiven.  And I can accept His forgiveness and then like Mary and David and Jonah, I can be used by God.  It wasn't instant. It took a lifetime, a lifetime of sin to produce the debris it leaves behind.  Some will be forgotten by society and some will haunt me the rest of my life.  But it won’t burden me down.  God’s grace is sufficient.  I have been washed clean.  It will be a journey of obedience that will take the rest of my life.  There will still be many failures, but not like before as long as I stay close to Him.  I have my Jesus walking with me and I can call out to my daddy when life gets scary.   The journey will not be complete until I am finally home for eternity.   But, God’s forgiveness and grace allows me to start to tell the story of my journey, talk about the past, and frees me to live the rest of my life for Him.